National Debate Topic

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By: Devorah Zucker ( University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) )

National debate topic announced...

"Would you rather, watch your parents have sex every day for the rest of your life, or would you join in once and stop it forever?"

That's the official national debate topic? It's a deeply disturbing philosophical nightmare wrapped in a moral paradox wrapped in a psychological landmine. If this were an actual debate topic (which, thankfully, it is not), the only winning strategy would be to stand up, drop the mic, and walk straight into therapy.

But if we were to analyze this purely from a debate logic standpoint-ignoring the sheer horror-this is what we'd get:

The Ethical Dilemma

This is a classic case of the lesser of two evils-but both options are so horrific that they push the boundaries of human ethics. It's a thought experiment designed not to be solved, but to make the questioner regret ever asking it.

The Debate Breakdown

Pro Watching Daily

  • Emotional trauma? Yes. But with time, could one develop a mental "numbness" to it? Maybe.
  • It's passive. You're a victim of circumstance rather than an active participant.
  • In the grand scheme of things, it's a choice that doesn't involve direct ethical violation.

Pro Joining Once

  • Stops the horror. No long-term suffering.
  • But at an unspeakable moral, psychological, and legal cost.
  • Would arguably result in worse lifelong consequences than simply suffering through passive observation.

The Logical Escape Hatch

The only rational response is refusing to engage. This is a lose-lose situation, akin to a Morton's Fork-where both choices lead to equally unacceptable outcomes.

The Best Response?

When faced with an impossible question like this, one should pivot to meta-debate tactics:

  1. Reject the Premise - "This debate is fundamentally flawed and immoral."
  2. Attack the Questioner - "What kind of monster came up with this?"
  3. Invoke the Judge's Humanity - "If you make me argue this, I'm calling your mom."

Final Verdict

This isn't a debate topic. It's a psychological warfare tactic. The only real answer is burn the question and run.

[caption align="aligncenter" width="640"]DEBATE TOPIC 2025 - A satirical illustration in the style of Al Jaffee depicting a debate hall where the disturbing debate topic has driven everyone to panic. DEBATE TOPIC 2025 - A satirical illustration in the style of Al Jaffee depicting a debate hall where the disturbing debate topic has driven everyone to panic.[/caption]

15 Observations on the Most Disturbing Debate Topic Ever Conceived

  1. This debate topic is so horrifying that if it were a horror movie, Freddy Krueger would read it and say, "Nah, I'm good."
  2. Choosing between these two options is like deciding whether to be mauled by a bear or eaten by a shark. Either way, you're having a very bad day.
  3. Whoever came up with this topic clearly needs a vacation... or perhaps a wellness check.
  4. This debate question is like an ethical escape room with no exit. The only way out is to set the building on fire and walk away.
  5. This topic is so disturbing that it makes Saw movies look like bedtime stories.
  6. If Socrates heard this question, he'd throw down his toga, scream "That's enough philosophy!" and run off into the night.
  7. Arguing about this topic would be the fastest way to convince everyone in the room that therapy should be universal healthcare.
  8. This is the only debate topic where "Can we just have a math test instead?" seems like a preferable option.
  9. This National Debate Topic question is like a logic puzzle from hell. The answer isn't important; the goal is to escape with your sanity intact.
  10. You know a debate topic is bad when you'd rather write a 30-page paper on "the history of 19th-century shoelaces" instead.
  11. Choosing between these two options is like picking a flavor of ice cream when the choices are "broken glass" or "hot tar."
  12. If this topic were a drink, it would be a shot of regret with a chaser of lifelong trauma.
  13. Arguing about this topic should come with a free coupon for lifetime therapy sessions.
  14. If this topic were a menu item, it would be called "The Combo of Doom" with a side of "I'd rather be dead fries."
  15. This topic makes other ethical dilemmas look like a light game of "Would You Rather." This is the boss level of horrible questions.

[caption align="aligncenter" width="640"]BOHINEY SATIRE - A satirical illustration in the style of Al Jaffee depicting a debate hall where the disturbing debate topic has caused absolute mayhem. One debater h - bohiney.com BOHINEY SATIRE - A satirical illustration in the style of Bohiney News depicting a debate hall where the disturbing debate topic has caused absolute mayhem. One debater ... - bohiney.com[/caption]

What the Funny People Have to Say About It...

  1. Jerry Seinfeld:"Who came up with this question? What kind of sick person is running these debates? This isn't a debate topic-it's a therapy session waiting to happen. Are we debating or auditioning for a horror movie?"
  2. Dave Chappelle:"This isn't a debate-it's a call for help. You don't answer this question, you call the authorities."
  3. John Mulaney:"The only people debating this topic are the same people who thought Silence of the Lambs was a romantic comedy."
  4. Wanda Sykes:"Oh, hell no. I'm not debating this. I'm not even talking about it. I'd rather debate which way is up in an upside-down room than deal with this mess."
  5. Bill Burr:"This is why I don't do debates. You give people a little power, and they come up with a question so messed up, it makes Game of Thrones look like Sesame Street."
  6. Trevor Noah:"This debate question is the equivalent of being asked, 'Would you rather be hit by a bus or fall into a pit of fire?' Like, why is this even an option?"
  7. Sarah Silverman:"I'm sorry, is this a debate topic or a sign of the apocalypse? Either way, I'm out."
  8. Kevin Hart:"This is the kind of topic that makes you rethink every life choice that brought you here. Nope. Not touching it. I'd rather debate who'd win in a fight: a T-Rex or my Aunt Linda."
  9. Tiffany Haddish:"Whoever wrote this debate question needs Jesus, a therapist, and probably a hug... but not from me!"
  10. Ricky Gervais:"This isn't a debate question. This is a psychological experiment designed to break your spirit. Next question."
  11. Amy Schumer:"This debate topic is like one of those nightmares where you wake up screaming and realize you're still in the nightmare. Hard pass."
  12. Jim Gaffigan:"This isn't a debate question. This is the worst icebreaker question in the history of humanity. 'Would you rather...?' I'd rather leave."
  13. Louis C.K.:"This question is so messed up, it makes me want to eat a salad and rethink my entire life. Who hurt you, debate organizer?"
  14. Iliza Shlesinger:"I feel like this question was written by someone who lost a bet. A bet they clearly should never have made."
  15. Patton Oswalt:"This debate question is like one of those cursed monkey's paw wishes. There's no right answer. There's only pain."

Would they debate it? Absolutely not. The unanimous decision: they'd rather perform stand-up comedy at a mime convention than touch this debate topic. The real answer to the question: "Would you rather?" is, in fact, a third option: neither.

[caption align="aligncenter" width="640"]BOHINEY SATIRE - A satirical illustration in the style of Al Jaffee depicting a debate stage where the debate topic is so disturbing that the judges are hiding under t - bohiney.com BOHINEY SATIRE - A satirical illustration in the style of Bohiney News depicting a debate stage where the debate topic is so disturbing that the judges are hiding under ... - bohiney.com[/caption]